Is different from the world in which I exist. In the world that I exist in there is a maze of compartmentalized reality and an absence of illusion. I deal in musts, in haves and have nots, in facts and in probabilities and the fickleness of memory. Every day however, even in the darkest hardest moments, there's an opportunity to look at someone in the eyes and see a person in all it's complexity, and not to judge.
It is the ability to empathize and to distance oneself all at once, to make a hard moment a little bit easier, which drives me. On hard days you walk away feeling drained from the energy poured out of me, or from the energy expended holding up walls that were necessary at the time.
Still, the work that I exist in comes easy for me. I can move in and out, I can open and close I can let you see and make you believe. I've had practice, years of practice in learning to exist. I can go on my own path and wash away the drainage and tuck away the feelings that I may have experienced.
The lessons, those I like to keep. I can exist without feelings, in that world. I save those; for those who are very dear.
Now, the world I like to live on is a different thing. This world exists under my existence, every day, every moment. In this world the tiniest thing is important, and noticed and acknowledged as a miracle. In this world there's a quiet but perpetual love surrounding me, cushioning my movements. I walk as if I walked on water. I feel embraced by the day. I breathe in and it's not air, it's purpose. I am alone and so happy. I need nothing. I have me. I feel intensely but I have no need to share other than to share kind actions with others and make sure that if I have the chance to brighten the path of someone else, I do, and I thank the universe for the chance to do so, before I move along. I'm like a butterfly...softly landing and taking off.
Now you come into my worlds. But you must pick one, you see. I can't dream of you in my world and love you in the other. For if I dream of you I dream of love that is soft kind and effortless. If I dream of you I dream of certainty, trust and forever. If I dream of you, I fly far away with just a blink of an eye and I soar above in contentment. Oh, and I dream of you.
If you want the dream, it's yours. Know it's grand. Know it's there, but be ready. There's a flood of me that's been stored away, kept away from wasting, waiting for a reason to be released. If you want it, it is yours and I'll be yours and I... I will love you. I will love you like I love the air and the sun and the earth beneath my feet. I will think of you and all that is you as me. I will plunge into the abyss without asking for anything... except for you to know the delicacy of the occasion, and for you to enjoy and dream with me. I will love you with passion, like the passion of the birth of a volcano. I will love you slow, and I will love you deep and I will forget for a while, that we are two.
But you must dream. You must dream, or you won't see that world. If you don't dream, it will happen all around you and you will miss it.
If you don't dream with me I will dream it in my world and let it go, but keep it forever, just so I remember what it felt like. If you don't dream with me the rain will come and wet the flowers as they dance to the mounting breeze. If you don't dream with me the storm of my love will come and pour itself and the lighting will thunder with excitement and like the storm, you'll see it pass and watch it go, as forever leaves you. So dream with me, dance with me, let the rain wash away your worries and your fears, and come away with me and as you stand beneath the willows and feel the air on your skin, it's my touch, let me soak you, and take you away from your cold reality, so you can be a part of mine, under my skin.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Lately I feel like crying.
I do, and it is not in a self-pity or sad way. I am simply quite amazed at how life can realign itself if you make small conscious changes. Changes are scary. We are all to some extent creatures of habit. We like comfort, protection and safety. It's survival based. However, all those things can keep us stuck if what we are holding on is not meant for us.
Last year I told myself I would be more selfish with me, and I have. Oh, that sounds so bad! It is not. I have valued me more and I have, even when it's been a challenge and caused me many real tears of pain, stuck to the proposition.
I changed here and there but it is only in the last couple of weeks that I wake up and I feel like the air is there to softly caress me and the sun smiles at me. I am in love with life. I am going with the rhythm of my path, in the direction I am meant to move, and it is such an intense feeling that I feel like crying a few times a day.
The happiness does not take all the humanity out of me. I still look back. I still wonder, I still see the alternate roads I have bypassed. They seem like black and white picture frames, hung in my wall of experiences. Identified and marked, sometimes explored but not acquired.
I see the point in the journey. I thank my teachers gratefully, and I take one more step forward.
Still, some fears creep in, but I am thanks to those frames, able to see why I should not fear. If anything, after any hurt or disappointments I will come back to this same place. I will wash my grief away, look up to the heavens and I will be alright. Then, I will be content and I will have grown in some way.
Last year I told myself I would be more selfish with me, and I have. Oh, that sounds so bad! It is not. I have valued me more and I have, even when it's been a challenge and caused me many real tears of pain, stuck to the proposition.
I changed here and there but it is only in the last couple of weeks that I wake up and I feel like the air is there to softly caress me and the sun smiles at me. I am in love with life. I am going with the rhythm of my path, in the direction I am meant to move, and it is such an intense feeling that I feel like crying a few times a day.
The happiness does not take all the humanity out of me. I still look back. I still wonder, I still see the alternate roads I have bypassed. They seem like black and white picture frames, hung in my wall of experiences. Identified and marked, sometimes explored but not acquired.
I see the point in the journey. I thank my teachers gratefully, and I take one more step forward.
Still, some fears creep in, but I am thanks to those frames, able to see why I should not fear. If anything, after any hurt or disappointments I will come back to this same place. I will wash my grief away, look up to the heavens and I will be alright. Then, I will be content and I will have grown in some way.
Birthday lesson--understood. 1.22.2012
I write so I don't forget, and I almost forgot to write this, until the feeling visited me again today, in much the same way. Thus, here it is. I won't put it off any longer.
I am not a fan of birthday celebrations for grown ups. To me, most days are another day and all the planning and coordinating and what have you bring more stress than it is worth. I once actually took off my sister's bumper as I backed out of my parent's drive way on my own birthday, and then I cried pregnant and tired. It reinforced my logic on birthdays.
Same goes for anniversaries and holidays. You can celebrate anything on any day of your choosing. My theory on dates is backed up by practice: I forget to congratulate others. One particular year I forgot it was my own birthday. Many a times I have had to pause and think about the day of the month that I begrudgingly entered this world. --ask my mother, she'll tell you, it was with some coercion that I decided to cooperate at birth. She tells me every year.
So I have gone along in life forgetting things, I'm good at that. I still have to try very hard not to forget my own mother's birthday, consequences not the best in that case. Been there done that. She didn't seem to agree with my personal theories on this case.
To the point. Or closer to it. When it gets closer to the kids' birthdays I think to myself. X amount of years ago at this time I was... and I can tell you exactly what. With Emma I was practicing yoga at home to candle light, practicing Hypnobirthing, and trying not to be too anxious for labor. Birth tub arrived... I know where I was, what I did and how she was born. It brings mixed emotions, but it brings a lot of happiness more than anything.
The same happens as October progresses. I remember the day before labor started. I did a 'welcoming' yoga meditation and practice. I went into labor that night and I labored alone and in peace. I took Emma out for a walk to the zoo the next day and turned around half way through when I know labor would only get stronger.I insisted on Thai for dinner, on the way to the Birth Center in active labor and that turned out not to be such a great idea.
In general the days before the labor were always full of peace. That's what adjective I'd choose if I had to. The births, a different story in my case but that is not the point of this piece.
So, here I am in my world of 'birthdays don't matter' and I decide to do a yoga practice on my own. "It'll be a nice stretch." It's not hot yoga but it's still a great class.The energy and guidance of Zeek at the Sunday LVAC class is a privilege to share and enjoy.
An hour and several animals later; on we go through the bendy class with tailbones to the sky; giggling at jokes and taking in mantras along the way.
It is now Savasana. I find myself actually letting go and *gasp* not interrupting myself; as much. I am then enveloped by a thought. More so a feeling, to which words do little justice. Read on, I'll do my best to explain.
It is my birthday. On the 22nd day of the first month of the year 29 years ago my own mother felt the light and joy and peace of an explosion of innocence, wisdom and ultimate love as I took my first breath.
With my third eye I see a baby in the womb, surrounded by life energy. It breathes the same energy in and out 'in practice' for what is to come. There is no human more present than the unborn. There was no worries of food, warmth and sorrows.
I interrupt myself to wonder if this is what "after life" must feel like (Maybe that's why corpse). So much to that name actually makes sense. I digress; if that is the feeling and absence of thought in the next world and/or what awaits before re-incarnation, or whatever... Rock on!! Please be!! Contentment, happiness, joy, peace, fulfillment, the ultimate state of nature, Nirvana, "the force." All of it, only ONE. It's there. Before the breath. Or in the practice of the breath since before we were born.
I now see: My birthday is not important to me. It is important to my mother because of me and to me because of my children. When I became a mother not only did I love my baby, but I understood Love.
There is something so very special about a birthday not because of what day one was born but because of what essence we all bring into this world. On that day someone became a mother and someone felt the pulse of life's waves, strengthening, calling through her veins, rolling onto over and through her. A body worked to bring forth life and all else was trivial. In the mist of her hard work in labor; and her mother's labor with her; and her mother's mother's labor before her, we are all one with the Light.
Next thing I know, eyes closed in a packed class I cried silent tears of pure Joy.
What a birthday Present.
*with special gratitude to Zeek, to mothers, and the universe.
*In loving remembrance of Jen, Kalena and Sheryl.
I am not a fan of birthday celebrations for grown ups. To me, most days are another day and all the planning and coordinating and what have you bring more stress than it is worth. I once actually took off my sister's bumper as I backed out of my parent's drive way on my own birthday, and then I cried pregnant and tired. It reinforced my logic on birthdays.
Same goes for anniversaries and holidays. You can celebrate anything on any day of your choosing. My theory on dates is backed up by practice: I forget to congratulate others. One particular year I forgot it was my own birthday. Many a times I have had to pause and think about the day of the month that I begrudgingly entered this world. --ask my mother, she'll tell you, it was with some coercion that I decided to cooperate at birth. She tells me every year.
So I have gone along in life forgetting things, I'm good at that. I still have to try very hard not to forget my own mother's birthday, consequences not the best in that case. Been there done that. She didn't seem to agree with my personal theories on this case.
To the point. Or closer to it. When it gets closer to the kids' birthdays I think to myself. X amount of years ago at this time I was... and I can tell you exactly what. With Emma I was practicing yoga at home to candle light, practicing Hypnobirthing, and trying not to be too anxious for labor. Birth tub arrived... I know where I was, what I did and how she was born. It brings mixed emotions, but it brings a lot of happiness more than anything.
The same happens as October progresses. I remember the day before labor started. I did a 'welcoming' yoga meditation and practice. I went into labor that night and I labored alone and in peace. I took Emma out for a walk to the zoo the next day and turned around half way through when I know labor would only get stronger.I insisted on Thai for dinner, on the way to the Birth Center in active labor and that turned out not to be such a great idea.
In general the days before the labor were always full of peace. That's what adjective I'd choose if I had to. The births, a different story in my case but that is not the point of this piece.
So, here I am in my world of 'birthdays don't matter' and I decide to do a yoga practice on my own. "It'll be a nice stretch." It's not hot yoga but it's still a great class.The energy and guidance of Zeek at the Sunday LVAC class is a privilege to share and enjoy.
An hour and several animals later; on we go through the bendy class with tailbones to the sky; giggling at jokes and taking in mantras along the way.
It is now Savasana. I find myself actually letting go and *gasp* not interrupting myself; as much. I am then enveloped by a thought. More so a feeling, to which words do little justice. Read on, I'll do my best to explain.
It is my birthday. On the 22nd day of the first month of the year 29 years ago my own mother felt the light and joy and peace of an explosion of innocence, wisdom and ultimate love as I took my first breath.
With my third eye I see a baby in the womb, surrounded by life energy. It breathes the same energy in and out 'in practice' for what is to come. There is no human more present than the unborn. There was no worries of food, warmth and sorrows.
I interrupt myself to wonder if this is what "after life" must feel like (Maybe that's why corpse). So much to that name actually makes sense. I digress; if that is the feeling and absence of thought in the next world and/or what awaits before re-incarnation, or whatever... Rock on!! Please be!! Contentment, happiness, joy, peace, fulfillment, the ultimate state of nature, Nirvana, "the force." All of it, only ONE. It's there. Before the breath. Or in the practice of the breath since before we were born.
I now see: My birthday is not important to me. It is important to my mother because of me and to me because of my children. When I became a mother not only did I love my baby, but I understood Love.
There is something so very special about a birthday not because of what day one was born but because of what essence we all bring into this world. On that day someone became a mother and someone felt the pulse of life's waves, strengthening, calling through her veins, rolling onto over and through her. A body worked to bring forth life and all else was trivial. In the mist of her hard work in labor; and her mother's labor with her; and her mother's mother's labor before her, we are all one with the Light.
Next thing I know, eyes closed in a packed class I cried silent tears of pure Joy.
What a birthday Present.
*with special gratitude to Zeek, to mothers, and the universe.
*In loving remembrance of Jen, Kalena and Sheryl.
No White Flags 7.11.11
I've spent the week locked in a battle with myself: Am I good? Am I a big fat flaw at my personal life? Am I too damaged? Can I not inflict more negative on the small worlds around me? Am I ashamed and should I feel so? What have I lost? What have I given up? How can I give back? What is there to do, to learn, to regret, to forgive mourn and scream?
I've spent the week in a more quiet way than I normally do, less posts, less updates, less comments and likes... and I'm surviving.
As usual, I've taken shelter in my music, my work... and a little comfort eating. OK, maybe more than a little. I've felt sorry enough for myself and I've looked into almost every corner of my head through all workable angles. Surely I missed some because I can't stretch my eyes that way. :)
Early on decided on no excuses, explanations or corrections.
I'm learning to enjoy the partial solitude, I hear myself better; I can think better. I embrace some impositions as they will only help keep me on track.
In the last few days I have learned a few things and I've altered some ways of thinking. Here's to wishing it's for good.
Why write? It's always been therapy. Why here? It's the easiest. Plus, I think living transparently makes us better people. It makes us all know that others struggle too. I do, more right now that at some other present moments that are now just memories. One day I might compile "my life in notes" and keep it as token of those times in life in which either joy or sorrow brought me to type.
I'm not a phoenix; I'm far from rising, but I'm moving forward. Slowly and tentatively I'm learning to crawl. I can't give up on me.
To begin; there's me... For all the general well intentioned and non-judgmental actions I attempt in daily life, thoughtless action has evened the odds and left me in the red. What's the point of loving and giving when lack of awareness and judgment will set those around you back?
Second; no, I decided -with help-, it doesn't make me a bad person. One action doesn't define all we are. "There's no bad people, there's people who make bad choices" says my Montessori mind and it's followed by the echo of my work self. How many times have I said that to two little souls, how many times have I met someone who really screwed up and seen the good too? Tougher to apply to me.
So what do I gleam?
I used to think that because I understood I was dealing with post-bad relationships issues in a dysfunctional way after the last oh say.... several years of learning to flip the off switch and still getting burnt; that it was acceptable to be the way I was, to cope the way I had been lately. I figured I would continue to exist so. I understood and knew I was now good at being safe, proficient in shrugging and walking away. Good at being hesitant (check) and half-way present (check). I knew I danced to a back and forth beat that I couldn't get under control. I knew, and I justified.
However, knowing we have flaws isn't enough. They are no shield. Living that way catches up and life will exact its payment. It's not only about us but those around us. Everything is connected and I will keep that overused term close(r), clearer.
I'm thankful to those who see me, who've held me, who've talked to me and been there. I love you friends, and, thank you.
However, it's time to stop being self-destructive. Time to right what can be saved and to begin some forgiving--one day to complete that--. It's time to keep on giving despite how that may hurt "if" because it is, indeed, the only road to healing. It's time to live, and really Live with all it's risks and it's unexpected rewards. In giving we let go, and we move forth.
I say so, I write so, and my chest tightens.
We can, dear heart.
We can and we know: It will never be less scary and it will never be less worth it. It's time to fight our demons. No more easy roads, no more pretending or escaping. We're here, and we will once again learn to be at peace feeling; like we once did.
We will gladly walk on eggshells, learning to be so light on our feet that we float and leave no dents, no imprints, and no damage on the rest, on those we care for and those we don't.
I'm going to be selfish in different ways. I'm going to keep tighter hold of me and those that matter most. I'm going to give more but choose carefully. I'm going to think of what I need; and to never forget why I choose to be somewhere; without forgetting I am not to judge those that don't choose the same path. Not my place. Never my place.
Can't undo, can only hold on; for it will all pass but hopefully nothing happened in vain.
I've spent the week in a more quiet way than I normally do, less posts, less updates, less comments and likes... and I'm surviving.
As usual, I've taken shelter in my music, my work... and a little comfort eating. OK, maybe more than a little. I've felt sorry enough for myself and I've looked into almost every corner of my head through all workable angles. Surely I missed some because I can't stretch my eyes that way. :)
Early on decided on no excuses, explanations or corrections.
I'm learning to enjoy the partial solitude, I hear myself better; I can think better. I embrace some impositions as they will only help keep me on track.
In the last few days I have learned a few things and I've altered some ways of thinking. Here's to wishing it's for good.
Why write? It's always been therapy. Why here? It's the easiest. Plus, I think living transparently makes us better people. It makes us all know that others struggle too. I do, more right now that at some other present moments that are now just memories. One day I might compile "my life in notes" and keep it as token of those times in life in which either joy or sorrow brought me to type.
I'm not a phoenix; I'm far from rising, but I'm moving forward. Slowly and tentatively I'm learning to crawl. I can't give up on me.
To begin; there's me... For all the general well intentioned and non-judgmental actions I attempt in daily life, thoughtless action has evened the odds and left me in the red. What's the point of loving and giving when lack of awareness and judgment will set those around you back?
Second; no, I decided -with help-, it doesn't make me a bad person. One action doesn't define all we are. "There's no bad people, there's people who make bad choices" says my Montessori mind and it's followed by the echo of my work self. How many times have I said that to two little souls, how many times have I met someone who really screwed up and seen the good too? Tougher to apply to me.
So what do I gleam?
I used to think that because I understood I was dealing with post-bad relationships issues in a dysfunctional way after the last oh say.... several years of learning to flip the off switch and still getting burnt; that it was acceptable to be the way I was, to cope the way I had been lately. I figured I would continue to exist so. I understood and knew I was now good at being safe, proficient in shrugging and walking away. Good at being hesitant (check) and half-way present (check). I knew I danced to a back and forth beat that I couldn't get under control. I knew, and I justified.
However, knowing we have flaws isn't enough. They are no shield. Living that way catches up and life will exact its payment. It's not only about us but those around us. Everything is connected and I will keep that overused term close(r), clearer.
I'm thankful to those who see me, who've held me, who've talked to me and been there. I love you friends, and, thank you.
However, it's time to stop being self-destructive. Time to right what can be saved and to begin some forgiving--one day to complete that--. It's time to keep on giving despite how that may hurt "if" because it is, indeed, the only road to healing. It's time to live, and really Live with all it's risks and it's unexpected rewards. In giving we let go, and we move forth.
I say so, I write so, and my chest tightens.
We can, dear heart.
We can and we know: It will never be less scary and it will never be less worth it. It's time to fight our demons. No more easy roads, no more pretending or escaping. We're here, and we will once again learn to be at peace feeling; like we once did.
We will gladly walk on eggshells, learning to be so light on our feet that we float and leave no dents, no imprints, and no damage on the rest, on those we care for and those we don't.
I'm going to be selfish in different ways. I'm going to keep tighter hold of me and those that matter most. I'm going to give more but choose carefully. I'm going to think of what I need; and to never forget why I choose to be somewhere; without forgetting I am not to judge those that don't choose the same path. Not my place. Never my place.
Can't undo, can only hold on; for it will all pass but hopefully nothing happened in vain.
Sucky Friend
When I think I could really use a pair of sincerely friendly, loving arms to hold me today and let it all out, I realize even more that I do a shitty job of keeping people in my life.
At times, it is because I'm too sucky of a friend and don't keep in touch with people. At others, it's because I f'up and make a mess out of dating, and I've graduated to really loosing someone who I wanted to keep in my life, one way or another.
Trying to figure myself out today I realize maybe I became that which I left. Maybe the last few years damaged me more than I thought and only now I see the effect. I would have sworn I was fine shortly after the D.
Now, I want the old me back. I want the Marcy who'd blindly give. Then when I see her, I shut her down. I'm more comfortable here. I want a magic pill to return to innocence and feel what it's like to really open and trust but I don't even trust me.
Instead, I give and I take and I pull away. Then I breathe, dive back in and say what I only allow myself to feel for a limited time, before I yank it back.
I don't even know where to begin and the only thing I know is that I can't right now shed neither scars nor fears.
Then I panic about being here, always.
Will it help to actually say it, or write it? I know what I am. I just don't know if I'll ever work through it, regardless of who I loose.
I could blame it all on someone else, but I and only I let me get this way.
So, I'm out, for a while.
Maybe I'll appreciate the people I do have in my life more, and keep them that way.
At times, it is because I'm too sucky of a friend and don't keep in touch with people. At others, it's because I f'up and make a mess out of dating, and I've graduated to really loosing someone who I wanted to keep in my life, one way or another.
Trying to figure myself out today I realize maybe I became that which I left. Maybe the last few years damaged me more than I thought and only now I see the effect. I would have sworn I was fine shortly after the D.
Now, I want the old me back. I want the Marcy who'd blindly give. Then when I see her, I shut her down. I'm more comfortable here. I want a magic pill to return to innocence and feel what it's like to really open and trust but I don't even trust me.
Instead, I give and I take and I pull away. Then I breathe, dive back in and say what I only allow myself to feel for a limited time, before I yank it back.
I don't even know where to begin and the only thing I know is that I can't right now shed neither scars nor fears.
Then I panic about being here, always.
Will it help to actually say it, or write it? I know what I am. I just don't know if I'll ever work through it, regardless of who I loose.
I could blame it all on someone else, but I and only I let me get this way.
So, I'm out, for a while.
Maybe I'll appreciate the people I do have in my life more, and keep them that way.
One day in the land of Overwhelmed 6.1.2011
Today's one of those days that I feel like life is playing games, or teaching me a lesson. After a long 10 hour work day, during which at least I was told I was pretty and should be a model (right on eastern and Fremont, don't get too excited); I believed I was ending my day with a pretty good bang and a new resolution: to stop neglecting parts of my life that need attention. I analyzed what I need to do to get a hold of my finances, pay off debt, and be one step closer to where I want to be, for me and the kids.
I get aboard my super mommy vehicle (aka minivan) and drive a few miles to see my little man who is busy on the playground. His shoes are on backwards and his dirty as can be. He wants a snack. He needs a drink before heading out, and off we go. I buckle him in and alas, car won't start.
Great.
We wait for my mom, who has to change plans to pick us up, I spent the time from 6 to ten car pooling the kids and my mom to where everyone needs to be. On the way home for the kids after leaving mom at bible study the kids start to loose patience and Marcos is so hungry he is getting crankier by the Milli-second. We stop for food, and then he coughs his way home and can't quite enjoy the smoothie he's getting for dinner since by now he should be in bed already.
Driving, I have to remind myself that they are tired and I am too, and I'm hungry, and I'd like to figure out in a second what's going to happen tomorrow, and we all need a break. I can instill nervousness and drama, or the calmness to face obstacles and deal with them.
The schoolwork, the catch up, the folding laundry will all have to wait. Who was going to work on reports for the day's activities? Not now, not me. Yoga's out the window and my eating patterns are dangling me over a precipice. Today feels like chocolate, ice cream, a cookie... but I've worked out too hard.
I remember without wanting too, the time when I thought I could do this all on my own, and we'd all be OK. We would have, really, had the economy not crashed and rocked my professional corner of the world. I'd work less hours, and have more time, I'd be less stressed, and blah blah. Sure, so it seems now, but really, who knows. I think of Rachel Reese, and think, sister, I'm right there with you.
Little man needs his meds and he's asking for bed. We're skipping bath today, that's for the morning. It's 8 p.m. and I tell myself I can always cry later.
Emma, having had an emotional day, decides that correcting her behavior means she's not loved. She's feeling neglected and bombards me with 'you don't love me' and 'i don't get to spend time with you' and 'we don't snuggle enough.' It makes my heart ache but i keep my outward cool. She acts out, and I go to hug her. "I want to run away from you" she says. I let her go and she hides in the closet. Once she's calmed she comes and sits on my lap.
-"I love you Emma, with all my heart"
-No you don't you never wanted me ever since Marcos got alive"
-I love you both, I just have expectations for your behavior.
-If you loved me you'd let me do whatever I wanted.
OK, so we're moving into manipulation, but I remember feeling like that at some point during my single digit years. We often don't understand all the childhood lessons until much much later.)
-Because I love you I don't let you do whatever you want.
-But I don't see you a lot.
-I know baby, mommy has to work, but I work a lot because I love you so much, and things will get better I promise.
-and my school days are long. I wish I could go if I wanted and stay home if I don't want to go to school.
-School's over soon, and then you'll be back at MHM and maybe you, your brother and I can have lunch dates. (mental thanks to super mom and super fighter Yvonne Kaeder)
-You said you and my brother.
-I think it's past bed time and you're hearing selectively.
-Daaaaddy!
-You want us to call daddy?
-No, I just say "daaddy" when I'm with you and I'm upset, and I say "mooomy" when I'm with daddy and I'm upset. It makes me feel better.
-OK.
-I love you baby. I have to pick up your grandma, so it's time for bed.
-I don't want you to go.
-I'm sorry, but remember mommy's car is at school? How about you guys sleep on my bed?
(Marcos is already running there with his snuggle glow-in-the-dark monster in tow. He waited patiently all this time without interruption in his room)
Night night, sleep tight...
kisses and hugs end the day with two little bugs snug in my bed.
-----------------
Amongst it all I know there's people who today had worst days than me, and I sent up my intention for them in need, for them with truer, bigger, more important sorrows.
Amongst it all I remember than while it does not make it "better" there's a great number of single parents like me, juggling.
Amongst it all things are things and our lives are filled with so much more than that and we would survive with less. Somehow, we would.
Amongst the stress and the tiredness I know I'm loved and not alone.
Amongst it all I always draw strength from the giving, hard working souls I know.
Amongst it all I remind myself that we didn't have to take a bus today, and we had money for food on the go. Some don't even have as much.
Amongst my tears I start to feel better, and worse.
I can't give Emma all the time she'd want and the games she'd play. I can only hope, that I teach her to be strong, persevering and fiercely independent.
Maybe one day she'll look back at those childhood memories as I look at some of mine and say "I get it now, thanks for loving me like that."
And now, it's time for that drink, and time to learn from today and let the rest wash over me.
I get aboard my super mommy vehicle (aka minivan) and drive a few miles to see my little man who is busy on the playground. His shoes are on backwards and his dirty as can be. He wants a snack. He needs a drink before heading out, and off we go. I buckle him in and alas, car won't start.
Great.
We wait for my mom, who has to change plans to pick us up, I spent the time from 6 to ten car pooling the kids and my mom to where everyone needs to be. On the way home for the kids after leaving mom at bible study the kids start to loose patience and Marcos is so hungry he is getting crankier by the Milli-second. We stop for food, and then he coughs his way home and can't quite enjoy the smoothie he's getting for dinner since by now he should be in bed already.
Driving, I have to remind myself that they are tired and I am too, and I'm hungry, and I'd like to figure out in a second what's going to happen tomorrow, and we all need a break. I can instill nervousness and drama, or the calmness to face obstacles and deal with them.
The schoolwork, the catch up, the folding laundry will all have to wait. Who was going to work on reports for the day's activities? Not now, not me. Yoga's out the window and my eating patterns are dangling me over a precipice. Today feels like chocolate, ice cream, a cookie... but I've worked out too hard.
I remember without wanting too, the time when I thought I could do this all on my own, and we'd all be OK. We would have, really, had the economy not crashed and rocked my professional corner of the world. I'd work less hours, and have more time, I'd be less stressed, and blah blah. Sure, so it seems now, but really, who knows. I think of Rachel Reese, and think, sister, I'm right there with you.
Little man needs his meds and he's asking for bed. We're skipping bath today, that's for the morning. It's 8 p.m. and I tell myself I can always cry later.
Emma, having had an emotional day, decides that correcting her behavior means she's not loved. She's feeling neglected and bombards me with 'you don't love me' and 'i don't get to spend time with you' and 'we don't snuggle enough.' It makes my heart ache but i keep my outward cool. She acts out, and I go to hug her. "I want to run away from you" she says. I let her go and she hides in the closet. Once she's calmed she comes and sits on my lap.
-"I love you Emma, with all my heart"
-No you don't you never wanted me ever since Marcos got alive"
-I love you both, I just have expectations for your behavior.
-If you loved me you'd let me do whatever I wanted.
OK, so we're moving into manipulation, but I remember feeling like that at some point during my single digit years. We often don't understand all the childhood lessons until much much later.)
-Because I love you I don't let you do whatever you want.
-But I don't see you a lot.
-I know baby, mommy has to work, but I work a lot because I love you so much, and things will get better I promise.
-and my school days are long. I wish I could go if I wanted and stay home if I don't want to go to school.
-School's over soon, and then you'll be back at MHM and maybe you, your brother and I can have lunch dates. (mental thanks to super mom and super fighter Yvonne Kaeder)
-You said you and my brother.
-I think it's past bed time and you're hearing selectively.
-Daaaaddy!
-You want us to call daddy?
-No, I just say "daaddy" when I'm with you and I'm upset, and I say "mooomy" when I'm with daddy and I'm upset. It makes me feel better.
-OK.
-I love you baby. I have to pick up your grandma, so it's time for bed.
-I don't want you to go.
-I'm sorry, but remember mommy's car is at school? How about you guys sleep on my bed?
(Marcos is already running there with his snuggle glow-in-the-dark monster in tow. He waited patiently all this time without interruption in his room)
Night night, sleep tight...
kisses and hugs end the day with two little bugs snug in my bed.
-----------------
Amongst it all I know there's people who today had worst days than me, and I sent up my intention for them in need, for them with truer, bigger, more important sorrows.
Amongst it all I remember than while it does not make it "better" there's a great number of single parents like me, juggling.
Amongst it all things are things and our lives are filled with so much more than that and we would survive with less. Somehow, we would.
Amongst the stress and the tiredness I know I'm loved and not alone.
Amongst it all I always draw strength from the giving, hard working souls I know.
Amongst it all I remind myself that we didn't have to take a bus today, and we had money for food on the go. Some don't even have as much.
Amongst my tears I start to feel better, and worse.
I can't give Emma all the time she'd want and the games she'd play. I can only hope, that I teach her to be strong, persevering and fiercely independent.
Maybe one day she'll look back at those childhood memories as I look at some of mine and say "I get it now, thanks for loving me like that."
And now, it's time for that drink, and time to learn from today and let the rest wash over me.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
seeing with your heart does not mean to give yourself away
I am going to school almost double time right now. Still, I manage to work a little over 30 hours this week. I drop off and pick up my children from school 3 days out of 5, and will have them this weekend (yay). I have barely slept in the last few days, though my work got turned in on time.
I am barely keeping my head above water, but I am really enjoying the learning opportunity at work and the future possibilities. I get a phone call, a job offer that I know isn't the most convenient. I know I shouldn't take it, and I do decline, but I still feel bad saying no. I feel bad because when I applied it would have really worked, but things changed. I feel bad because it would have been fun and cool to do it. In my head, before I turn them down, I still review how many hours a week I have of free time and if there would be any way I could swing it. Fat chance.
I often, very often, give myself away. I do it when I am helping everyone else, and leaving myself helpless and lifeless from exhaustion. I give my time, efforts, my reserves. I do it for reasons that are full of passion and life, although it's not essential too, like dancing in the middle of the week.
Yes, giving is good, when you can, when it comes from the heart and it's positive. When it isn't, then I have to learn I shouldn't. It makes me feel like I don't care though. It makes me feel like I'm being selfish and I can't expect to get anything from the universe unless I am constantly showing I can do without for others.
However, to do for *me* and those around me first, would in the long term bring more good to everyone. I could be of more use to everyone. I have to get me in shape to be a giver first, and I have to learn to be OK with it. I have to grab "no" and "I can't" (in nice polite versions of course) and sit with them and stare at them until I am no longer uncomfortable with the concepts.
In a way, it's away to respect me. It's a way to nourish me where I am at NOW. It's away of living presently, and making conscious decisions for a better future. As a wise... man told me, No isn't always negative. Following your heart doesn't mean to give it up in little pieces at every stop. Respecting it, respecting its limits, is what strengthens it in the end.
I am barely keeping my head above water, but I am really enjoying the learning opportunity at work and the future possibilities. I get a phone call, a job offer that I know isn't the most convenient. I know I shouldn't take it, and I do decline, but I still feel bad saying no. I feel bad because when I applied it would have really worked, but things changed. I feel bad because it would have been fun and cool to do it. In my head, before I turn them down, I still review how many hours a week I have of free time and if there would be any way I could swing it. Fat chance.
I often, very often, give myself away. I do it when I am helping everyone else, and leaving myself helpless and lifeless from exhaustion. I give my time, efforts, my reserves. I do it for reasons that are full of passion and life, although it's not essential too, like dancing in the middle of the week.
Yes, giving is good, when you can, when it comes from the heart and it's positive. When it isn't, then I have to learn I shouldn't. It makes me feel like I don't care though. It makes me feel like I'm being selfish and I can't expect to get anything from the universe unless I am constantly showing I can do without for others.
However, to do for *me* and those around me first, would in the long term bring more good to everyone. I could be of more use to everyone. I have to get me in shape to be a giver first, and I have to learn to be OK with it. I have to grab "no" and "I can't" (in nice polite versions of course) and sit with them and stare at them until I am no longer uncomfortable with the concepts.
In a way, it's away to respect me. It's a way to nourish me where I am at NOW. It's away of living presently, and making conscious decisions for a better future. As a wise... man told me, No isn't always negative. Following your heart doesn't mean to give it up in little pieces at every stop. Respecting it, respecting its limits, is what strengthens it in the end.
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