I am going to school almost double time right now. Still, I manage to work a little over 30 hours this week. I drop off and pick up my children from school 3 days out of 5, and will have them this weekend (yay). I have barely slept in the last few days, though my work got turned in on time.
I am barely keeping my head above water, but I am really enjoying the learning opportunity at work and the future possibilities. I get a phone call, a job offer that I know isn't the most convenient. I know I shouldn't take it, and I do decline, but I still feel bad saying no. I feel bad because when I applied it would have really worked, but things changed. I feel bad because it would have been fun and cool to do it. In my head, before I turn them down, I still review how many hours a week I have of free time and if there would be any way I could swing it. Fat chance.
I often, very often, give myself away. I do it when I am helping everyone else, and leaving myself helpless and lifeless from exhaustion. I give my time, efforts, my reserves. I do it for reasons that are full of passion and life, although it's not essential too, like dancing in the middle of the week.
Yes, giving is good, when you can, when it comes from the heart and it's positive. When it isn't, then I have to learn I shouldn't. It makes me feel like I don't care though. It makes me feel like I'm being selfish and I can't expect to get anything from the universe unless I am constantly showing I can do without for others.
However, to do for *me* and those around me first, would in the long term bring more good to everyone. I could be of more use to everyone. I have to get me in shape to be a giver first, and I have to learn to be OK with it. I have to grab "no" and "I can't" (in nice polite versions of course) and sit with them and stare at them until I am no longer uncomfortable with the concepts.
In a way, it's away to respect me. It's a way to nourish me where I am at NOW. It's away of living presently, and making conscious decisions for a better future. As a wise... man told me, No isn't always negative. Following your heart doesn't mean to give it up in little pieces at every stop. Respecting it, respecting its limits, is what strengthens it in the end.
