I am going to school almost double time right now. Still, I manage to work a little over 30 hours this week. I drop off and pick up my children from school 3 days out of 5, and will have them this weekend (yay). I have barely slept in the last few days, though my work got turned in on time.
I am barely keeping my head above water, but I am really enjoying the learning opportunity at work and the future possibilities. I get a phone call, a job offer that I know isn't the most convenient. I know I shouldn't take it, and I do decline, but I still feel bad saying no. I feel bad because when I applied it would have really worked, but things changed. I feel bad because it would have been fun and cool to do it. In my head, before I turn them down, I still review how many hours a week I have of free time and if there would be any way I could swing it. Fat chance.
I often, very often, give myself away. I do it when I am helping everyone else, and leaving myself helpless and lifeless from exhaustion. I give my time, efforts, my reserves. I do it for reasons that are full of passion and life, although it's not essential too, like dancing in the middle of the week.
Yes, giving is good, when you can, when it comes from the heart and it's positive. When it isn't, then I have to learn I shouldn't. It makes me feel like I don't care though. It makes me feel like I'm being selfish and I can't expect to get anything from the universe unless I am constantly showing I can do without for others.
However, to do for *me* and those around me first, would in the long term bring more good to everyone. I could be of more use to everyone. I have to get me in shape to be a giver first, and I have to learn to be OK with it. I have to grab "no" and "I can't" (in nice polite versions of course) and sit with them and stare at them until I am no longer uncomfortable with the concepts.
In a way, it's away to respect me. It's a way to nourish me where I am at NOW. It's away of living presently, and making conscious decisions for a better future. As a wise... man told me, No isn't always negative. Following your heart doesn't mean to give it up in little pieces at every stop. Respecting it, respecting its limits, is what strengthens it in the end.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
This endless moment: Monday-Non judgement reflections
This endless moment: Monday-Non judgement reflections: "As recommended in a shoot-off website of Chopra's Spiritual Laws, I am dedicating each day of the week to one of the 7 spiritual laws for su..."
Monday-Non judgement reflections
As recommended in a shoot-off website of Chopra's Spiritual Laws, I am dedicating each day of the week to one of the 7 spiritual laws for success. Today was nonjudgement. I was not completely succesful. I can look back and know there were times where I should have bowed my head and let it be, and let it pass, and I did not.
I also struggle with finding a balance between the work that I do, which could be say to be about judging people, events and situations. I am choosing to look at it as finding the truth. I can do my work more effectively if I do not form immediate opinions, if I am open enough for people to feel open, and yet if I do not blindly believe everything. Its a daily exercise. It can be a hard exercise.
Today, I want to thank the universe and divinity for the blessings bestowed on me and those around me. As this day comes to an end I am thankful for the opportunities in life I have. I am thankful for my father and my sister watching the kids while I am in school. I am thankful for the love of friends, and the opportunity to learn, and to be of service in any way. I am thankful for the wonderful teachers that instruct my dear children every day and all the hard work they do.
Today, I allowed judgment to take seed when I spoke to my ex, and I apologize. Today, I struggled with the idea of trying to determine how acceptance and nonjudgment work. Do I accept the sadness and longing I feel and stop fighting the urge to skip class to be home with my children? Or do I accept that I didn't have them and don't let emotions overcome me? Do I accept that I am making progress towards becoming vice free? Or accept I still struggle with my cigarette addiction, or judge myself as failing when comfronted with my inner demon of stress?
Its the end of today. I won't carry it into tomorrow. So farewell, and thank you.
I also struggle with finding a balance between the work that I do, which could be say to be about judging people, events and situations. I am choosing to look at it as finding the truth. I can do my work more effectively if I do not form immediate opinions, if I am open enough for people to feel open, and yet if I do not blindly believe everything. Its a daily exercise. It can be a hard exercise.
Today, I want to thank the universe and divinity for the blessings bestowed on me and those around me. As this day comes to an end I am thankful for the opportunities in life I have. I am thankful for my father and my sister watching the kids while I am in school. I am thankful for the love of friends, and the opportunity to learn, and to be of service in any way. I am thankful for the wonderful teachers that instruct my dear children every day and all the hard work they do.
Today, I allowed judgment to take seed when I spoke to my ex, and I apologize. Today, I struggled with the idea of trying to determine how acceptance and nonjudgment work. Do I accept the sadness and longing I feel and stop fighting the urge to skip class to be home with my children? Or do I accept that I didn't have them and don't let emotions overcome me? Do I accept that I am making progress towards becoming vice free? Or accept I still struggle with my cigarette addiction, or judge myself as failing when comfronted with my inner demon of stress?
Its the end of today. I won't carry it into tomorrow. So farewell, and thank you.
Why Now
As those who know me know first hand, words are my world. I seldom run out of them, though I do endeavor to use them less, I know I talk my fair share. I need an easily manageable outlet.
I dedicate this blog to myself, to my inner struggles and my lost battles, to my past present and future. To my quest for growth.
Why post it? A few reasons I believe.
I make it public it not out of egocentricity, but because for me it's the opposite. If I don't share, I am more likely to be thoughtless and altruistic and there's no teachers to correct my flawed thinking when I err or need help. If I do, I feel humbled and thankful for the chance to share and for the mutually inspirational moments. I also have the heart of a writer.
Why now?
Recent events in my life have led me back to the ways I have embraced and at times deemed to cumbersome to function. I have gone from stay at home mom, to working mom, to working-student mom, to single working-student mom. I went from cloth diapering and "radical" breast feeder, to pumper, to bottle feeder. I went from living solely for those around me, to appreciating and unapologetically enjoying past times and goals of my own. Once upon a time ate organic home cooked meals and made baby food, and two years later swung by Wendy's at least once a week and deemed sugar coated oranges as "fruit."
Spiritually I wrestled with Catholicism, explored humanism, universalism, Quakerism, Buddhism, Hinduism...and isms in between. I refused to capitalize the word God on account of one particular idea of him/her/it.
I've picked up my quest up the mountain again. I am far from perfect, I can bee foolish and still wear my emotions on my sleeve. I succumb to temptations. I have a hard time focusing. But I am working on it.
Yesterday and today, I did something I have not done in years, not exactly, not completely, not sincerely and with belief. I talked to god. I spoke to a male god, and a female god. I did it with all the conviction and in a personal way. This for me is huge because for all my agnostic beliefs, I've carried around an anger against certain religious institutions for years. I haven't really spoken or addressed divinity directly in about 11 years. I told myself I was, I meditated, I thought of concepts, I thought of 'energy', but deep down I avoided something I knew was there, and within, but had too much pride to accept.
Still now writing this I almost want to cling to the veil. That's why it's public.
So this is my forum to say thank you and to reflect. I do it without set expectations, and with the most pure intentions I can muster.
Namaste
I dedicate this blog to myself, to my inner struggles and my lost battles, to my past present and future. To my quest for growth.
Why post it? A few reasons I believe.
I make it public it not out of egocentricity, but because for me it's the opposite. If I don't share, I am more likely to be thoughtless and altruistic and there's no teachers to correct my flawed thinking when I err or need help. If I do, I feel humbled and thankful for the chance to share and for the mutually inspirational moments. I also have the heart of a writer.
Why now?
Recent events in my life have led me back to the ways I have embraced and at times deemed to cumbersome to function. I have gone from stay at home mom, to working mom, to working-student mom, to single working-student mom. I went from cloth diapering and "radical" breast feeder, to pumper, to bottle feeder. I went from living solely for those around me, to appreciating and unapologetically enjoying past times and goals of my own. Once upon a time ate organic home cooked meals and made baby food, and two years later swung by Wendy's at least once a week and deemed sugar coated oranges as "fruit."
Spiritually I wrestled with Catholicism, explored humanism, universalism, Quakerism, Buddhism, Hinduism...and isms in between. I refused to capitalize the word God on account of one particular idea of him/her/it.
I've picked up my quest up the mountain again. I am far from perfect, I can bee foolish and still wear my emotions on my sleeve. I succumb to temptations. I have a hard time focusing. But I am working on it.
Yesterday and today, I did something I have not done in years, not exactly, not completely, not sincerely and with belief. I talked to god. I spoke to a male god, and a female god. I did it with all the conviction and in a personal way. This for me is huge because for all my agnostic beliefs, I've carried around an anger against certain religious institutions for years. I haven't really spoken or addressed divinity directly in about 11 years. I told myself I was, I meditated, I thought of concepts, I thought of 'energy', but deep down I avoided something I knew was there, and within, but had too much pride to accept.
Still now writing this I almost want to cling to the veil. That's why it's public.
So this is my forum to say thank you and to reflect. I do it without set expectations, and with the most pure intentions I can muster.
Namaste
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