Why Now

As those who know me know first hand, words are my world. I seldom run out of them, though I do endeavor to use them less, I know I talk my fair share. I need an easily manageable outlet.

I dedicate this blog to myself, to my inner struggles and my lost battles, to my past present and future. To my quest for growth.

Why post it? A few reasons I believe.

I make it public it not out of egocentricity, but because for me it's the opposite. If I don't share, I am more likely to be thoughtless and altruistic and there's no teachers to correct my flawed thinking when I err or need help. If I do, I feel humbled and thankful for the chance to share and for the mutually  inspirational moments. I also have the heart of a writer.

Why now?
Recent events in my life have led me back to the ways I have embraced and at times deemed to cumbersome to function. I have gone from stay at home mom, to working mom, to working-student mom, to single working-student mom. I went from cloth diapering and "radical" breast feeder, to pumper, to bottle feeder. I went from living solely for those around me, to appreciating and unapologetically enjoying past times and goals of my own. Once upon a time ate organic home cooked meals and made baby food, and two years later swung by Wendy's at least once a week and deemed sugar coated oranges as "fruit."

Spiritually I wrestled with Catholicism, explored humanism, universalism, Quakerism, Buddhism, Hinduism...and isms in between. I refused to capitalize the word God on account of one particular idea of him/her/it.

I've picked up my quest up the mountain again. I am far from perfect, I can bee foolish and still wear my emotions on my sleeve. I succumb to temptations. I have a hard time focusing. But I am working on it.

Yesterday and today, I did something I have not done in years, not exactly, not completely, not sincerely and with belief. I talked to god. I spoke to a male god, and a female god. I did it with all the conviction and in a personal way. This for me is huge because for all my agnostic beliefs, I've carried around an anger against certain religious institutions for years. I haven't really spoken or addressed divinity directly in about 11 years. I told myself I was, I meditated, I thought of concepts, I thought of 'energy', but deep down I avoided something I knew was there, and within, but had too much pride to accept.

Still now writing this I almost want to cling to the veil. That's why it's public.

So this is my forum to say thank you and to reflect. I do it without set expectations, and with the most pure intentions I can muster.

 

Namaste