I've spent the week locked in a battle with myself: Am I good? Am I a big fat flaw at my personal life? Am I too damaged? Can I not inflict more negative on the small worlds around me? Am I ashamed and should I feel so? What have I lost? What have I given up? How can I give back? What is there to do, to learn, to regret, to forgive mourn and scream?
I've spent the week in a more quiet way than I normally do, less posts, less updates, less comments and likes... and I'm surviving.
As usual, I've taken shelter in my music, my work... and a little comfort eating. OK, maybe more than a little. I've felt sorry enough for myself and I've looked into almost every corner of my head through all workable angles. Surely I missed some because I can't stretch my eyes that way. :)
Early on decided on no excuses, explanations or corrections.
I'm learning to enjoy the partial solitude, I hear myself better; I can think better. I embrace some impositions as they will only help keep me on track.
In the last few days I have learned a few things and I've altered some ways of thinking. Here's to wishing it's for good.
Why write? It's always been therapy. Why here? It's the easiest. Plus, I think living transparently makes us better people. It makes us all know that others struggle too. I do, more right now that at some other present moments that are now just memories. One day I might compile "my life in notes" and keep it as token of those times in life in which either joy or sorrow brought me to type.
I'm not a phoenix; I'm far from rising, but I'm moving forward. Slowly and tentatively I'm learning to crawl. I can't give up on me.
To begin; there's me... For all the general well intentioned and non-judgmental actions I attempt in daily life, thoughtless action has evened the odds and left me in the red. What's the point of loving and giving when lack of awareness and judgment will set those around you back?
Second; no, I decided -with help-, it doesn't make me a bad person. One action doesn't define all we are. "There's no bad people, there's people who make bad choices" says my Montessori mind and it's followed by the echo of my work self. How many times have I said that to two little souls, how many times have I met someone who really screwed up and seen the good too? Tougher to apply to me.
So what do I gleam?
I used to think that because I understood I was dealing with post-bad relationships issues in a dysfunctional way after the last oh say.... several years of learning to flip the off switch and still getting burnt; that it was acceptable to be the way I was, to cope the way I had been lately. I figured I would continue to exist so. I understood and knew I was now good at being safe, proficient in shrugging and walking away. Good at being hesitant (check) and half-way present (check). I knew I danced to a back and forth beat that I couldn't get under control. I knew, and I justified.
However, knowing we have flaws isn't enough. They are no shield. Living that way catches up and life will exact its payment. It's not only about us but those around us. Everything is connected and I will keep that overused term close(r), clearer.
I'm thankful to those who see me, who've held me, who've talked to me and been there. I love you friends, and, thank you.
However, it's time to stop being self-destructive. Time to right what can be saved and to begin some forgiving--one day to complete that--. It's time to keep on giving despite how that may hurt "if" because it is, indeed, the only road to healing. It's time to live, and really Live with all it's risks and it's unexpected rewards. In giving we let go, and we move forth.
I say so, I write so, and my chest tightens.
We can, dear heart.
We can and we know: It will never be less scary and it will never be less worth it. It's time to fight our demons. No more easy roads, no more pretending or escaping. We're here, and we will once again learn to be at peace feeling; like we once did.
We will gladly walk on eggshells, learning to be so light on our feet that we float and leave no dents, no imprints, and no damage on the rest, on those we care for and those we don't.
I'm going to be selfish in different ways. I'm going to keep tighter hold of me and those that matter most. I'm going to give more but choose carefully. I'm going to think of what I need; and to never forget why I choose to be somewhere; without forgetting I am not to judge those that don't choose the same path. Not my place. Never my place.
Can't undo, can only hold on; for it will all pass but hopefully nothing happened in vain.
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