Today's one of those days that I feel like life is playing games, or teaching me a lesson. After a long 10 hour work day, during which at least I was told I was pretty and should be a model (right on eastern and Fremont, don't get too excited); I believed I was ending my day with a pretty good bang and a new resolution: to stop neglecting parts of my life that need attention. I analyzed what I need to do to get a hold of my finances, pay off debt, and be one step closer to where I want to be, for me and the kids.
I get aboard my super mommy vehicle (aka minivan) and drive a few miles to see my little man who is busy on the playground. His shoes are on backwards and his dirty as can be. He wants a snack. He needs a drink before heading out, and off we go. I buckle him in and alas, car won't start.
Great.
We wait for my mom, who has to change plans to pick us up, I spent the time from 6 to ten car pooling the kids and my mom to where everyone needs to be. On the way home for the kids after leaving mom at bible study the kids start to loose patience and Marcos is so hungry he is getting crankier by the Milli-second. We stop for food, and then he coughs his way home and can't quite enjoy the smoothie he's getting for dinner since by now he should be in bed already.
Driving, I have to remind myself that they are tired and I am too, and I'm hungry, and I'd like to figure out in a second what's going to happen tomorrow, and we all need a break. I can instill nervousness and drama, or the calmness to face obstacles and deal with them.
The schoolwork, the catch up, the folding laundry will all have to wait. Who was going to work on reports for the day's activities? Not now, not me. Yoga's out the window and my eating patterns are dangling me over a precipice. Today feels like chocolate, ice cream, a cookie... but I've worked out too hard.
I remember without wanting too, the time when I thought I could do this all on my own, and we'd all be OK. We would have, really, had the economy not crashed and rocked my professional corner of the world. I'd work less hours, and have more time, I'd be less stressed, and blah blah. Sure, so it seems now, but really, who knows. I think of Rachel Reese, and think, sister, I'm right there with you.
Little man needs his meds and he's asking for bed. We're skipping bath today, that's for the morning. It's 8 p.m. and I tell myself I can always cry later.
Emma, having had an emotional day, decides that correcting her behavior means she's not loved. She's feeling neglected and bombards me with 'you don't love me' and 'i don't get to spend time with you' and 'we don't snuggle enough.' It makes my heart ache but i keep my outward cool. She acts out, and I go to hug her. "I want to run away from you" she says. I let her go and she hides in the closet. Once she's calmed she comes and sits on my lap.
-"I love you Emma, with all my heart"
-No you don't you never wanted me ever since Marcos got alive"
-I love you both, I just have expectations for your behavior.
-If you loved me you'd let me do whatever I wanted.
OK, so we're moving into manipulation, but I remember feeling like that at some point during my single digit years. We often don't understand all the childhood lessons until much much later.)
-Because I love you I don't let you do whatever you want.
-But I don't see you a lot.
-I know baby, mommy has to work, but I work a lot because I love you so much, and things will get better I promise.
-and my school days are long. I wish I could go if I wanted and stay home if I don't want to go to school.
-School's over soon, and then you'll be back at MHM and maybe you, your brother and I can have lunch dates. (mental thanks to super mom and super fighter Yvonne Kaeder)
-You said you and my brother.
-I think it's past bed time and you're hearing selectively.
-Daaaaddy!
-You want us to call daddy?
-No, I just say "daaddy" when I'm with you and I'm upset, and I say "mooomy" when I'm with daddy and I'm upset. It makes me feel better.
-OK.
-I love you baby. I have to pick up your grandma, so it's time for bed.
-I don't want you to go.
-I'm sorry, but remember mommy's car is at school? How about you guys sleep on my bed?
(Marcos is already running there with his snuggle glow-in-the-dark monster in tow. He waited patiently all this time without interruption in his room)
Night night, sleep tight...
kisses and hugs end the day with two little bugs snug in my bed.
-----------------
Amongst it all I know there's people who today had worst days than me, and I sent up my intention for them in need, for them with truer, bigger, more important sorrows.
Amongst it all I remember than while it does not make it "better" there's a great number of single parents like me, juggling.
Amongst it all things are things and our lives are filled with so much more than that and we would survive with less. Somehow, we would.
Amongst the stress and the tiredness I know I'm loved and not alone.
Amongst it all I always draw strength from the giving, hard working souls I know.
Amongst it all I remind myself that we didn't have to take a bus today, and we had money for food on the go. Some don't even have as much.
Amongst my tears I start to feel better, and worse.
I can't give Emma all the time she'd want and the games she'd play. I can only hope, that I teach her to be strong, persevering and fiercely independent.
Maybe one day she'll look back at those childhood memories as I look at some of mine and say "I get it now, thanks for loving me like that."
And now, it's time for that drink, and time to learn from today and let the rest wash over me.
I get aboard my super mommy vehicle (aka minivan) and drive a few miles to see my little man who is busy on the playground. His shoes are on backwards and his dirty as can be. He wants a snack. He needs a drink before heading out, and off we go. I buckle him in and alas, car won't start.
Great.
We wait for my mom, who has to change plans to pick us up, I spent the time from 6 to ten car pooling the kids and my mom to where everyone needs to be. On the way home for the kids after leaving mom at bible study the kids start to loose patience and Marcos is so hungry he is getting crankier by the Milli-second. We stop for food, and then he coughs his way home and can't quite enjoy the smoothie he's getting for dinner since by now he should be in bed already.
Driving, I have to remind myself that they are tired and I am too, and I'm hungry, and I'd like to figure out in a second what's going to happen tomorrow, and we all need a break. I can instill nervousness and drama, or the calmness to face obstacles and deal with them.
The schoolwork, the catch up, the folding laundry will all have to wait. Who was going to work on reports for the day's activities? Not now, not me. Yoga's out the window and my eating patterns are dangling me over a precipice. Today feels like chocolate, ice cream, a cookie... but I've worked out too hard.
I remember without wanting too, the time when I thought I could do this all on my own, and we'd all be OK. We would have, really, had the economy not crashed and rocked my professional corner of the world. I'd work less hours, and have more time, I'd be less stressed, and blah blah. Sure, so it seems now, but really, who knows. I think of Rachel Reese, and think, sister, I'm right there with you.
Little man needs his meds and he's asking for bed. We're skipping bath today, that's for the morning. It's 8 p.m. and I tell myself I can always cry later.
Emma, having had an emotional day, decides that correcting her behavior means she's not loved. She's feeling neglected and bombards me with 'you don't love me' and 'i don't get to spend time with you' and 'we don't snuggle enough.' It makes my heart ache but i keep my outward cool. She acts out, and I go to hug her. "I want to run away from you" she says. I let her go and she hides in the closet. Once she's calmed she comes and sits on my lap.
-"I love you Emma, with all my heart"
-No you don't you never wanted me ever since Marcos got alive"
-I love you both, I just have expectations for your behavior.
-If you loved me you'd let me do whatever I wanted.
OK, so we're moving into manipulation, but I remember feeling like that at some point during my single digit years. We often don't understand all the childhood lessons until much much later.)
-Because I love you I don't let you do whatever you want.
-But I don't see you a lot.
-I know baby, mommy has to work, but I work a lot because I love you so much, and things will get better I promise.
-and my school days are long. I wish I could go if I wanted and stay home if I don't want to go to school.
-School's over soon, and then you'll be back at MHM and maybe you, your brother and I can have lunch dates. (mental thanks to super mom and super fighter Yvonne Kaeder)
-You said you and my brother.
-I think it's past bed time and you're hearing selectively.
-Daaaaddy!
-You want us to call daddy?
-No, I just say "daaddy" when I'm with you and I'm upset, and I say "mooomy" when I'm with daddy and I'm upset. It makes me feel better.
-OK.
-I love you baby. I have to pick up your grandma, so it's time for bed.
-I don't want you to go.
-I'm sorry, but remember mommy's car is at school? How about you guys sleep on my bed?
(Marcos is already running there with his snuggle glow-in-the-dark monster in tow. He waited patiently all this time without interruption in his room)
Night night, sleep tight...
kisses and hugs end the day with two little bugs snug in my bed.
-----------------
Amongst it all I know there's people who today had worst days than me, and I sent up my intention for them in need, for them with truer, bigger, more important sorrows.
Amongst it all I remember than while it does not make it "better" there's a great number of single parents like me, juggling.
Amongst it all things are things and our lives are filled with so much more than that and we would survive with less. Somehow, we would.
Amongst the stress and the tiredness I know I'm loved and not alone.
Amongst it all I always draw strength from the giving, hard working souls I know.
Amongst it all I remind myself that we didn't have to take a bus today, and we had money for food on the go. Some don't even have as much.
Amongst my tears I start to feel better, and worse.
I can't give Emma all the time she'd want and the games she'd play. I can only hope, that I teach her to be strong, persevering and fiercely independent.
Maybe one day she'll look back at those childhood memories as I look at some of mine and say "I get it now, thanks for loving me like that."
And now, it's time for that drink, and time to learn from today and let the rest wash over me.
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