Sucky Friend

When I think I could really use a pair of sincerely friendly, loving arms to hold me today and let it all out, I realize even more that I do a shitty job of keeping people in my life.

At times, it is because I'm too sucky of a friend and don't keep in touch with people. At others, it's because I f'up and make a mess out of dating, and I've graduated to really loosing someone who I wanted to keep in my life, one way or another.

Trying to figure myself out today I realize maybe I became that which I left. Maybe the last few years damaged me more than I thought and only now I see the effect. I would have sworn I was fine shortly after the D.

Now, I want the old me back. I want the Marcy who'd blindly give. Then when I see her, I shut her down. I'm more comfortable here. I want a magic pill to return to innocence and feel what it's like to really open and trust but I don't even trust me.

Instead, I give and I take and I pull away. Then I breathe, dive back in and say what I only allow myself to feel for a limited time, before I yank it back.

I don't even know where to begin and the only thing I know is that I can't right now shed neither scars nor fears.

Then I panic about being here, always.

Will it help to actually say it, or write it? I know what I am. I just don't know if I'll ever work through it, regardless of who I loose.

I could blame it all on someone else, but I and only I let me get this way.

So, I'm out, for a while.

Maybe I'll appreciate the people I do have in my life more, and keep them that way.